Never underestimate the value of your domestic charms. Perfect your delivery of such useful phrases as "I'm on my cell ... yeah, I'm in the garage working on my vintage Harley" and "I'm sorry, I have to go ... it's time for our annual pre-Christmas cookie-baking." Having at hand a stock of these useful phases will save you from the embarrassment of blurting out the truth when pressured to attend social functions beneath your station.

While it is expected that you will watch Marth Stewart, it is just as important that you claim not to. Appropriate sources of domestic information to discuss at clever dinner parties include Norm Abrams' New Yankee Workshop and Bob Vila's Home Again. Under no circumstances should you admit to liking Mag Ruffman's A Repair To Remember or Debbie Travis' The Painted House.

When planning dinner parties for people of your own standing, it is crucial that you make it possible for them to gorge while appearing to eat modestly. Dinner portions should be artful arrangements of undressed vegetation, while trays of substantial "snacks" should be secreted throughout your home for clandestine nibbling. Deep-fried foods and sugary treats of all kinds are appropriate.

Music for these occasions must also be chosen with great care. Although it is expected that you will have on display at least one Celine Dion album, no-one will actually want to listen to it. Choose a nondescript blend of dance music from your favourite bar, or in an emergency, you may use 'light alternative' music and mention modestly that you are "trying to be inclusive."

Many a cub has been turned down for A-List status because of poor lighting in his home. Be sure to consult a designer before allowing people of quality to visit your residence - a small investment in proper illumination can help show you off to best advantage. Remember, until you win a title, your home is the best showcase for YOU!